Skipping the craziest shopping day of the year is for cowards. With our handy survivalist guide, you can reap the best deals of the season for everyone on your list while vanquishing your foes (which, in this case, means everyone else).
You know the real reason Black Friday is so beloved by Americans? The violence. It gives the average Joe a chance behave like an NFL linebacker in a fumble scrum, while simultaneously taking care of holiday shopping and feeding our jones for a bargain. Don’t avoid it; prepare for it. Head to your favorite retailer geared up with the following weapons … er … protections, and you won’t just survive Black Friday: You will win Black Friday.
| Black Friday is bad, but it’s not like you need a bullet-proof vest – that would be ridiculous! No, what you need is body armor designed for the close-quarters chaos of a prison riot, which is why we recommend Point Blank’s body armor designed for corrections officers. No one would be dumb enough to brandish a gun at Best Buy, but a shiv to the back? Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst … |
| Few things match the anxious frustration of seeing the perfect Black Friday deal fly off the shelf before you can navigate the torrent of humanity between you and it. Don’t let that mom walk off with the last Wii U while you’re still 30 yards out; with this blow gun from Cabela’s, you can drop her in her tracks and buy just enough time close the gap. Once you’re face to face, it’s a fair fight — unless you’ve poisoned your darts with something, which we would never recommend. |
| If your Black Friday plans include warehouse stores like Costco, Sam’s Club, and BJ’s, you’re going to need one thing you can’t buy: height. Because, while your rivals are duking it out for flatscreen TVs that they can reach, untold riches await far above the fray, at the top of the two-story racks usually only accessible by forklift. This hook includes 33 feet of nylon rope weight rated to 800 pounds and folds for easy concealment. Just remember to bring a Ninja buddy, because once you scale that rack, you’re going to have to toss the TV to someone … |
| Simple. Direct. Effective. When you need to get someone’s attention amidst a manic throng, the marine air horn is a tried-and-true tool. Whether you’re signaling to your family that you need reinforcements in the camera section, or trying to get the attention of a douchey Apple Store employee who’s been “helping” the same hipster-hot girl in the macramé skirt for the past 30 minutes, nothing says “Hey! Over here!” like a handful of compressed air loud enough to get the attention of a boat one mile away. |
| Joining the hardest of hardcore Black Friday shoppers by camping out in front of your favorite retailer Thursday night doesn’t mean squat if you’re not prepared for what happens when those doors open Friday morning. All your new friends who toasted your dedication the night before are going to be prowling the starting line before the sun comes up like a bunch of lions playing musical chairs. Lucky for you, there are no rules against performance enhancers in this game, so bring an EpiPen. While they’re jacking up on coffee, you’ll be running through brick walls. |
Source : digitaltrends[dot]com
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